Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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