I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
