So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
