saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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