I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
