my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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