I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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