never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
