dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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