meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Randomize
