If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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