either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
