he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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