nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
