So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
