you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
