Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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