So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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