I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
