dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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