when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
