He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
