Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
i think i just lost a toe
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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