i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
