I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
