i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
