i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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