There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
this boner is exhausting
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
