Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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