I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
