this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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