It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
