I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
