Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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