there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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