I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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