I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
