You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
