True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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