Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
