those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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