just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
