So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
