i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
