We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Couch. On fire.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
