ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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