actually, I'm a sock model
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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