Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
