is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i will never coherently bang her
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
