I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
